My husband and I started trying to conceive in April of 2012. I had previously been on birth control for 14 years, so I expected it to take a few months to get out of my system. After 7 months of trying, we found out we were expecting in September of 2012. We were incredibly happy and I was also terrified. I told my best friend, she was pregnant too at the time, but no one else. About three days after I told my bestie, she called to let me know that they couldn’t find a heartbeat on her latest ultrasound and that she was going to have to go to the hospital to see if they could find it there. It wasn’t good news and a few days later, she was scheduled to have a D&C. I was about 6.5 weeks pregnant at that point and this shook me like no other. I had no idea what to say to her or how to react and it all increased my anxiety about my pregnancy.
About a week later, I started spotting light brown. I called my midwife who assured me that it was normal and everything would be fine. I waited a few more days and the spotting continued. I finally called my sister out of desperation and she told me to go to the OB office in the morning and have an ultrasound to ease my mind. The next morning the office fit me in and I called my husband to have him meet me there. I remember being super pissed off at my husband because he ran really late to the appointment and I had to actively not yell at him.
The worst words I have heard so far in my life was when the doctor told me she couldn’t see a heartbeat. I kind of already knew that it would be bad news, but when she turned the screen away from me and was silent, I couldn’t stop the tears. She was incredibly sweet to me, explaining that I hadn’t done anything wrong, these things happen. She had us come back in four days later to see if anything had changed, it had not. I was scheduled for a D&C the next day.
The actual D&C was by far and away the worst experience I have had. I could hear everything that was happening and it was way more painful than I expected. I was emotionally spent and I literally could not handle what was happening. My husband was amazing and very supportive. He stayed with me the entire time and held my hand. I remember getting off of the table when they were done and a drop of blood landed on the floor. I was embarrassed that he saw that. For some reason this stuck out in my memories of that day.
It took us another 6 months to conceive again and the entire pregnancy was terrifying and was even more so because we had some complications that were potentially life threatening. My amazing daughter was born in January of 2014. When she was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant again and my son was born in June of 2015.
In January of 2017, I found out I was pregnant again, but this unfortunately ended in another miscarriage just a week later. This loss was not as difficult as the first, but it still hit me hard, and I am dealing with the aftermath to this day.
For me, losing these pregnancies was awful. It changed the way my life was and from that point forward, fear has been a constant companion of mine. I wish that it had never happened, but I also acknowledge that if it hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have met a group of amazing and supportive women. I have never had friends this good before and that is a blessing. But I think we all agree that we would prefer it had never happened to any of us.
Willamette Valley Pregnancy and Infant Loss 